Jokes ~~~~

Im gonna keep all the jokes in 1 thread cuz its easier~

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia'

The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

HAHAHAHAHA

that is hilarious

Two Australian builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well, yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then, it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then, it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens, I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house, it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then, it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never!
Suit: - Well, there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that ,then?
Suit: - Well, from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life.
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that, then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker!

LoL oh god trying to not laugh in class... LOL!!!

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him
in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?'

The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars,

But Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.

Here are some lad jokes - feel free to interchange 'lads' with 'wogs'.

Q: Why do lads wear baseball caps?

A: So you don't scuff your shoes when you're kicking their heads in.

~~

Q: Two lads are in a car and no music is playing. Who's driving?

A: The police.

~~

Q: Why did the lad cross the road?

A: To fight the chicken.

Q: Why did 10 other lads cross the road?

A: The chicken won.